Monday, October 02, 2006

time for a plan...

i have spent the better part of the afternoon struggling to fit into words the accumulated hopes and dreams of the last 17 years. i am staring at a college application, grasping the previously untethered thoughts of 'next time i do this i'll...' or 'if i can just finish that degree, then...' amazing how they cloud my sky at times, giving a dismal hue to the landscape. ironically it is clear skies today. a blank horizon that stretches for miles. go figure.

who knew it would take a deep breath and a little moxy to do something that didn't take a lot of courage last time i tried it. how much do i say when the application asks what i plan to do with their degree? when they ask me to state anything that i want them to consider when reviewing my application? i'm a nice caucasian? (they ask for both race and religion on the form!) does it count that i'm all (well, mostly) grown up now? when i look at my original transcript i am taken aback by how much i assumed i knew about life and relationships and accomplishments; how things are wonderfully and sometimes tragically different and how i have been changed by those experiences. somehow that all fits into my music. how do i write that?

will they laugh? will they reject my application seeing that i am just about 20 years older than the average student? ouch! (don't be surprised if they are allowed to do that in malaysia!) when they ask what i plan to do with the degree, do i need to make something grand and important up? how about enjoy a sense of accomplishment or increased self-respect? how about increase my love for the joy of music?

the good thing about being where i am in life is that i've seen it demonstrated time and again that an education improves your life while going to college to get a job just gives you something to do. i've already been doing the things i want to do, so i want the education- who knows where it will lead me? what does God have planned? does God have anything planned? He can use whomever whenever and however, so it's not like i'm increasing my marketability to Him.

i guess from that standpoint i am already quite well educated and don't need a degree to prove anything except that i am still alive and growing and interacting with the world around me. so it doesn't matter what they say when they read my comments.

except yes, that is!

chryl left the ground at 15:47 4 comments